Cilogy wrote:

Nomis wrote:Sure, it might be like the aforementioned situation, but does that really make you feel like you're s stranger in your own country?

Yes.

I guess it's because shit makes me feel like I'm constantly an outsider. I certainly don't think I've ever felt like I've belonged in the US or anywhere really. I'm too American when I visit India, and I look too much like a terrorist to be taken seriously in the US. I also just sort of sick of having to explain the way I look to people, as if it's a hurdle I have to cross for other people to actually view me as a legitimate human being.

I know high school is terrible for everyone, so in a way I shouldn't be complaining, but I had enough experiences in HS to make me think my very presence just sort of offends or inconveniences people. Like, I still remember after having a considerably horrible week in 9th grade, I refused to stand for the pledge of allegiance to the flag (which on its own is sort of a creepy custom no matter where you're from) because I felt like the country didn't respect me so why should I respect it, ya kno? My teacher was fucking livid though, but I couldn't explain it because it would have sounded whiny and insecure in front of the whole class. Lots of shit like that.

Like, this sounds really ridiculous, but it's come to a point now where I legit wish I was white, just so I could finally feel comfortable with myself and fit in. If there was a way to do that I wouldn't even question it. I would go into massive debt for that shit.

There's a desire to simply run away from stereotypes too. Indian people smell bad? Fuck, I'll just shower like 4 times a day and bathe in cologne. Indian people sound weird? Fuck, I'll stick to a very strict northern American accent and

I mean, I know there's this whole "be yourself" bullshit in modern culture and the idea of embracing your uniqueness is thought to be a source of comfort and security, but I've never really understood it myself. Like, I can't even comprehend that on a basic level. Embracing my background could get me shot.

Part of this is just an Indian thing too, I think. Like, I believe Indian people (especially in India) pathetically worship white people and western culture. IMO, it comes from the British Raj era where the Brits came to India and made everyone their bitch. The Brits then made Indians their servants, made them dress in western clothes and speak their language and forced them to fight taxation by playing cricket and shit like that (wait, that is how it went down right?). The Brits high-tailed it after WW2 and left the area in disarray (India v Pakistan: Dawn of Perpetuity coming Summer 1947!). So, the UK is like a wealthy white abusive boyfriend who impregnated India with some deformed abomination and left suddenly and India never really got over them. So, now they send the UK late night texts and wants to suck their dick every time they come by.

The other part is just mindset. Like I said before, my parents are admirably optimistic and open with talking to folks about their background. I'm decidedly not, and I don't really know why lol. I know it's just as easy as accepting things they way they are, but I feel like I've tried that and it just makes me feel more shameful about myself. My parents, I think, view it as a badge of pride, and I sort of view it as a scarlet letter or black mark.


idk sorry rant over

Ruth wrote: EDIT: Havocist - it's a terrible thing that you might want to shoot yourself for such reasons, I don't know if you mean it or not. Same goes for Cilogy. We're all different, so what. Own it. There are always going to be assholes, whether it's your personality, ethnicity or whatever. It's always easier said than done, especially in today's world, I have quite a bit of stuff to own up myself, but more or less that goes for most of us.

Nomis wrote:

Cilogy wrote:

Nomis wrote:Sure, it might be like the aforementioned situation, but does that really make you feel like you're s stranger in your own country?

Yes.

I guess it's because shit makes me feel like I'm constantly an outsider. I certainly don't think I've ever felt like I've belonged in the US or anywhere really. I'm too American when I visit India, and I look too much like a terrorist to be taken seriously in the US. I also just sort of sick of having to explain the way I look to people, as if it's a hurdle I have to cross for other people to actually view me as a legitimate human being.

I know high school is terrible for everyone, so in a way I shouldn't be complaining, but I had enough experiences in HS to make me think my very presence just sort of offends or inconveniences people. Like, I still remember after having a considerably horrible week in 9th grade, I refused to stand for the pledge of allegiance to the flag (which on its own is sort of a creepy custom no matter where you're from) because I felt like the country didn't respect me so why should I respect it, ya kno? My teacher was fucking livid though, but I couldn't explain it because it would have sounded whiny and insecure in front of the whole class. Lots of shit like that.

Like, this sounds really ridiculous, but it's come to a point now where I legit wish I was white, just so I could finally feel comfortable with myself and fit in. If there was a way to do that I wouldn't even question it. I would go into massive debt for that shit.

There's a desire to simply run away from stereotypes too. Indian people smell bad? Fuck, I'll just shower like 4 times a day and bathe in cologne. Indian people sound weird? Fuck, I'll stick to a very strict northern American accent and

I mean, I know there's this whole "be yourself" bullshit in modern culture and the idea of embracing your uniqueness is thought to be a source of comfort and security, but I've never really understood it myself. Like, I can't even comprehend that on a basic level. Embracing my background could get me shot.

Part of this is just an Indian thing too, I think. Like, I believe Indian people (especially in India) pathetically worship white people and western culture. IMO, it comes from the British Raj era where the Brits came to India and made everyone their bitch. The Brits then made Indians their servants, made them dress in western clothes and speak their language and forced them to fight taxation by playing cricket and shit like that (wait, that is how it went down right?). The Brits high-tailed it after WW2 and left the area in disarray (India v Pakistan: Dawn of Perpetuity coming Summer 1947!). So, the UK is like a wealthy white abusive boyfriend who impregnated India with some deformed abomination and left suddenly and India never really got over them. So, now they send the UK late night texts and wants to suck their dick every time they come by.

The other part is just mindset. Like I said before, my parents are admirably optimistic and open with talking to folks about their background. I'm decidedly not, and I don't really know why lol. I know it's just as easy as accepting things they way they are, but I feel like I've tried that and it just makes me feel more shameful about myself. My parents, I think, view it as a badge of pride, and I sort of view it as a scarlet letter or black mark.


idk sorry rant over

Okay so it's been pretty shitty for you, to put it mildly. However, I do think that the Indian culture and the American culture play the biggest factors in this. However, the factor that plays an even bigger role is your own thinking. Yes, I get that you can feel like an outsider when you don't feel comfortable in the US or in India (or even with family) but I really don't think that people even asking you what your ethnicity is (to take the lowest of the insulting things towards you) should make you feel uncomfortable and like shit. I'm not saying the "be yourself bullshit" I'm saying don't let it control you.
I just don't understand why you would let these things get the best of you. Maybe its because I can't place myself in how you feel and it's easier said than done but I'm just trying to say that other people's opinions or views shouldn't have such a huge impact on you, especially not when it comes to things like this.

Cilogy wrote:

Nomis wrote:

Cilogy wrote: Yes.

I guess it's because shit makes me feel like I'm constantly an outsider. I certainly don't think I've ever felt like I've belonged in the US or anywhere really. I'm too American when I visit India, and I look too much like a terrorist to be taken seriously in the US. I also just sort of sick of having to explain the way I look to people, as if it's a hurdle I have to cross for other people to actually view me as a legitimate human being.

I know high school is terrible for everyone, so in a way I shouldn't be complaining, but I had enough experiences in HS to make me think my very presence just sort of offends or inconveniences people. Like, I still remember after having a considerably horrible week in 9th grade, I refused to stand for the pledge of allegiance to the flag (which on its own is sort of a creepy custom no matter where you're from) because I felt like the country didn't respect me so why should I respect it, ya kno? My teacher was fucking livid though, but I couldn't explain it because it would have sounded whiny and insecure in front of the whole class. Lots of shit like that.

Like, this sounds really ridiculous, but it's come to a point now where I legit wish I was white, just so I could finally feel comfortable with myself and fit in. If there was a way to do that I wouldn't even question it. I would go into massive debt for that shit.

There's a desire to simply run away from stereotypes too. Indian people smell bad? Fuck, I'll just shower like 4 times a day and bathe in cologne. Indian people sound weird? Fuck, I'll stick to a very strict northern American accent and

I mean, I know there's this whole "be yourself" bullshit in modern culture and the idea of embracing your uniqueness is thought to be a source of comfort and security, but I've never really understood it myself. Like, I can't even comprehend that on a basic level. Embracing my background could get me shot.

Part of this is just an Indian thing too, I think. Like, I believe Indian people (especially in India) pathetically worship white people and western culture. IMO, it comes from the British Raj era where the Brits came to India and made everyone their bitch. The Brits then made Indians their servants, made them dress in western clothes and speak their language and forced them to fight taxation by playing cricket and shit like that (wait, that is how it went down right?). The Brits high-tailed it after WW2 and left the area in disarray (India v Pakistan: Dawn of Perpetuity coming Summer 1947!). So, the UK is like a wealthy white abusive boyfriend who impregnated India with some deformed abomination and left suddenly and India never really got over them. So, now they send the UK late night texts and wants to suck their dick every time they come by.

The other part is just mindset. Like I said before, my parents are admirably optimistic and open with talking to folks about their background. I'm decidedly not, and I don't really know why lol. I know it's just as easy as accepting things they way they are, but I feel like I've tried that and it just makes me feel more shameful about myself. My parents, I think, view it as a badge of pride, and I sort of view it as a scarlet letter or black mark.


idk sorry rant over

Okay so it's been pretty shitty for you, to put it mildly. However, I do think that the Indian culture and the American culture play the biggest factors in this. However, the factor that plays an even bigger role is your own thinking. Yes, I get that you can feel like an outsider when you don't feel comfortable in the US or in India (or even with family) but I really don't think that people even asking you what your ethnicity is (to take the lowest of the insulting things towards you) should make you feel uncomfortable and like shit. I'm not saying the "be yourself bullshit" I'm saying don't let it control you.
I just don't understand why you would let these things get the best of you. Maybe its because I can't place myself in how you feel and it's easier said than done but I'm just trying to say that other people's opinions or views shouldn't have such a huge impact on you, especially not when it comes to things like this.

Yeah totally. I mean, separating fact vs feeling would bring about the objective conclusion that those people really don't mean any ill will. At the end of the day it's really a casual question part of normal discourse.

But like, I've just sort of bottled it all up and now the slightest thing sends me over the edge for like a week. It's strange. It's difficult to let that shit go.


Ironically, I say this a minute after order some Indian food lol. I hope the delivery person is at least Latino or something.

the_red_ninja wrote:Surprisingly Gumtree does have a lot of job vacancies on offer. I never knew this before.
Sadly, I am on the hunt again

Havoc1st wrote:I saw a job offer on Gumtree that i want to apply, so i went to update my résumé. But guess what? Microsoft Office decided stop working all of a sudden when i went to edit my résumé, and i can't fix the fucking problem. God, i'm so fucking unlucky.

DoubleD wrote:

Havoc1st wrote:I saw a job offer on Gumtree that i want to apply, so i went to update my résumé. But guess what? Microsoft Office decided stop working all of a sudden when i went to edit my résumé, and i can't fix the fucking problem. God, i'm so fucking unlucky.

Google Docs?