Screenplay: Hysteria (full version!)

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Moderator: Erik

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Location: Leiden
Hello guys,

A few days ago, I said that I was tranlating my very first feature length script into English. I am doing this for the Amazon Studios thingy. Checking it out. Right now I am halfway through the tranlation and I thought I might give you guys a preview from what to come.

I wrote the first draft back in 2008. It was my very first feature length script, and I was very satisified with the result. Now that I am translating it, I found a lot of bad things in the dialoge. I have changed that in the English version. There is still one thing that I like to change about it, but I want to know if you guys can find the very same thing.

These are the first 45 pages of the script. The whole script in Dutch is 89 pages, but will probably be a few pages shorter in English.
Genre: Suspense.
Link: http://www.lastsunrise.nl/screenplays/H ... review.pdf

I'm not telling you more, except the fact that this script starts very slowely. The real action has not been translated yet, so please don't get discuraged if you are on like page 15 and still nothing happened! It will get interesting, even in these 45 pages!

I hope you guys like it! I will deffinately post a link when I finished the complete translation!

Cheers!

EDIT:
Here is the full version:
http://www.lastsunrise.nl/screenplays/Hysteria.pdf
David emerges from the store slowly. He braces himself against a parked car and then keeps on walking in a nightmarish daze.

WE PULL BACK as David blends in with dozens and dozens of ordinary people, walking on an ordinary street, in an ordinary city.

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Location: Italy
Downloaded it, I'll read it for sure, I like your works! ;)

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Thank you!

And by the way to all!
When you are discussing something, please use spoiler tags. I have given no plot info for a reason! I don't want to spoil the plot for fellow readers!
David emerges from the store slowly. He braces himself against a parked car and then keeps on walking in a nightmarish daze.

WE PULL BACK as David blends in with dozens and dozens of ordinary people, walking on an ordinary street, in an ordinary city.

Posts: 3667
Joined: June 2009
Just downloaded it :)

I'll be sure to give you some feedback soon. I'm also excited to see how it turns out in the Amazon Studios competition :D

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Joined: February 2011
I just read it and I like it very much. I am a guy that stops to read if I'm bored by it, but that was never the problem here.
I like the way you set up the intruders with the discussions in class, great stuff in describing the position that these people are in (buying stuff/gas station).

I'm interested in the relationship of Ellen and David and how it's going to develop.
Overall: Great idea, great writing. I like it.
Last edited by Erik on March 25th, 2011, 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Spoiler Tag included

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Location: Leiden
Thank you!
Use the spoiler tags though!
David emerges from the store slowly. He braces himself against a parked car and then keeps on walking in a nightmarish daze.

WE PULL BACK as David blends in with dozens and dozens of ordinary people, walking on an ordinary street, in an ordinary city.

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Posts: 1883
Joined: March 2009
Location: Leiden
Alright, I have had some serious trouble lateley, that I haven't been able to translate the rest of it. I started up today again. Susan (David's sister) will be renamed to Julie for personal reasons.

If you haven't read the preview yet, please do. I expect the full screenplay somewhere next week.
David emerges from the store slowly. He braces himself against a parked car and then keeps on walking in a nightmarish daze.

WE PULL BACK as David blends in with dozens and dozens of ordinary people, walking on an ordinary street, in an ordinary city.

Posts: 2512
Joined: November 2009
i'm reading it right now,i will give my opinion if i have read it fully.

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Joined: November 2009
Oke ik heb het hele script gelezen (de preview)

Ik vind 't een heel goed verhaal,niet al te ingewikkeld,gewoon duidelijk.

1 punt van kritiek,mwa niet echt kritiek maar een tip zeg maar:Die school scenes zou ik iets inkorten,dat kan te langdradig worden.

Nou dat ik 't in het engels heb gelezen,had ik ook echt het idee dat het een script uit amerika was,ik weet niet precies waarom,maar 't klinkt heel internationaal.

Daarom zou ik de film ook in 't engels doen als ik jullie was.Wel afspelend in NL dat dan weer wel.

Hebben jullie wel iemand die overweg kan met special effects???,die heb je wel nodig als ik 't zo lees.

Het verhaal bracht allemaal steven spielberg achtige taferelen in me hoofd,da's dus een pluspunt :D

al met al een uitstekend verhaal en zal als ik jullie was er zeker op verder borduren.

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BatMotor wrote:Oke ik heb het hele script gelezen (de preview)

Ik vind 't een heel goed verhaal,niet al te ingewikkeld,gewoon duidelijk.

1 punt van kritiek,mwa niet echt kritiek maar een tip zeg maar:Die school scenes zou ik iets inkorten,dat kan te langdradig worden.

Nou dat ik 't in het engels heb gelezen,had ik ook echt het idee dat het een script uit amerika was,ik weet niet precies waarom,maar 't klinkt heel internationaal.

Daarom zou ik de film ook in 't engels doen als ik jullie was.Wel afspelend in NL dat dan weer wel.
Thank you. The scene in the school is part of the thing that I'd like to change (read opening post) no one has actually found my problem in this script.
Hysteria has always been ment as an American production. Producing it in Holland (even when the characters speak English) will ruin the movie. We don't have desserts. Just wait untill you read the rest ;)
Anyway, there have been no talks in producing this script yet. I don't think there will be a production of this script in a long time.
David emerges from the store slowly. He braces himself against a parked car and then keeps on walking in a nightmarish daze.

WE PULL BACK as David blends in with dozens and dozens of ordinary people, walking on an ordinary street, in an ordinary city.

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