"Working Man" Short Film

[xWhereAmI?]

Hello, I am writing my short film called "Working Man" and I was wondering if I could get some feed back and help on the story and how to make it look like a serious film not "Amateur"

Here is a very quick summary: A man named Fisher (Nolan inspired) just got laid off his recent job and cannot find another, his wife has left, but not divorced, him and he needs to pay his house and other bills before they are taken. So, he decides to put ads out everywhere saying that he is able to do any type of job for a good pay.One day he is contacted by unknown men saying that they will pay him millions if he completes certain "tasks" for them. These tasks get harder and harder for him and they all involve greed in someway. Also, if Fisher fails one job he will never be contacted by these men again and will not get payment. The tasks are: Stealing a car, cheating in an illegal high stakes poker match hosted by a mafia member, robbing a bank, and lastly to kill someone or not. The big twist will be at the end. It is that if he kills this "random" person (the person has baggy clothing on and a sack over their head) he will get his money and can pay his bills and such or not to. If he doesn't he will only receive little payment (which is pretty much his year salary from his old job). He chooses to kill the person and he gets paid. When he leaves we see the sack get removed from the "random" person and it turns out to be his wife. Then there is a flashback which shows the unknown men talking to Fisher's wife right before the final task and they tell her that if he doesn't kill her then she will receive double the money. THE END

SO what I would like is some feedback or even questions. I don't care what you reply. It can be good or bad I just want to know what you guys think. THANK YOU

[Batville]

Hello, I am writing my short film called "Working Man" and I was wondering if I could get some feed back and help on the story and how to make it look like a serious film not "Amateur"

Here is a very quick summary: A man named Fisher (Nolan inspired) just got laid off his recent job and cannot find another, his wife has left, but not divorced, him and he needs to pay his house and other bills before they are taken. So, he decides to put ads out everywhere saying that he is able to do any type of job for a good pay.One day he is contacted by unknown men saying that they will pay him millions if he completes certain "tasks" for them. These tasks get harder and harder for him and they all involve greed in someway. Also, if Fisher fails one job he will never be contacted by these men again and will not get payment. The tasks are: Stealing a car, cheating in an illegal high stakes poker match hosted by a mafia member, robbing a bank, and lastly to kill someone or not. The big twist will be at the end. It is that if he kills this "random" person (the person has baggy clothing on and a sack over their head) he will get his money and can pay his bills and such or not to. If he doesn't he will only receive little payment (which is pretty much his year salary from his old job). He chooses to kill the person and he gets paid. When he leaves we see the sack get removed from the "random" person and it turns out to be his wife. Then there is a flashback which shows the unknown men talking to Fisher's wife right before the final task and they tell her that if he doesn't kill her then she will receive double the money. THE END

SO what I would like is some feedback or even questions. I don't care what you reply. It can be good or bad I just want to know what you guys think. THANK YOU

Hehe you're fooling people I see. Sounds cool if executed right. If executed wrong you'll get the "I knew the person was the wife all along" stuff.
Good play on what people will do for money(wife going along with the unknown men, Husband killing wife unknowingly).

[xWhereAmI?]

Yeah I am trying as hard as I can to eliminate the "I knew it was the wife" speculation. Thanks for your feedback

[Batville]

You're welcome. I love movies like that. The Prestige, Memento. Its a cool reveal plus if pulled off right it could be a sad reveal. Just movies that make you speculate and talk after you've seen it. Very Nolanlike sir.

[Mason]

Very nice twist. This could be a deeper, feature-length film.

[DoubleD]

Sounds very interesting. And I agree with Mason, if done right, could potentially be a feature and not a short.

[xWhereAmI?]

Very nice twist. This could be a deeper, feature-length film.

I'm not big enough to make it a feature Lol. Maybe if it is good and wins a film festival and if I get big I will re make it into a feature.

[FilmmakerRising]

That's actually great. Though, what would be the final shot before the cut to black?

[Erik]

Very nice twist. This could be a deeper, feature-length film.

I'm not big enough to make it a feature Lol. Maybe if it is good and wins a film festival and if I get big I will re make it into a feature.

Acually, your best shot would be:
Write both the feature and the short. Produce the short film and show that to agents along with the feature script. Agents do not always attent festivals. You shouldn't wait for things to happen, you should make things happen.

[xWhereAmI?]

I'm not big enough to make it a feature Lol. Maybe if it is good and wins a film festival and if I get big I will re make it into a feature.

Acually, your best shot would be:
Write both the feature and the short. Produce the short film and show that to agents along with the feature script. Agents do not always attent festivals. You shouldn't wait for things to happen, you should make things happen.

I might just do that then. Thanks for the advise